Duel of the Fics
by quigonchick
Summary: Funny fic


Hey two of my good friends wrote this coooool fic. Hope ya'll like it!!!!

  
  


Subject: [SWCFanFic] "Duel of the Fics"

  
  


"Duel of the Fics"

By: Kathryn Burns and Molly Wells

Type: Humor

Setting: anywhere you like

Rating: eh, PG-13 for some implied stuff

  
  


Author's Note/Disclaimer: Star Wars doesn't belong to any of us, George owns it 

  
  
  
  


ALL, unfortunately. Obviously we'd both like to own certain characters (among 

other things) but we digress. The only exception are Kathryn Jinn belongs to 

Kathryn Burns (long stretch of the imagination, huh? M.W.) and a few imaginary 

guests! This story is written in the style of "Revenge of the Ducks" and "Duel 

of the Boots." We apologize in advance to all the people we "borrowed" for our 

story. We'll put them all back relatively unharmed! It's just all in good fun. 

  
  
  
  


Enjoy! Feedback appreciated!

  
  
  
  


Opening scene: Duel of the Fates is playing loudly. Enter Kathryn and Molly, 

each holding lightsaber pens (bought from Office Max). Kathryn, with the blue 

Obi-Wan saber, and Molly (fighting unfairly with the red Darth Maul Lightsaber 

K.B.) are intensely dueling with each other.

  
  


KATHRYN: "Stop making those annoying lightsaber noises, Molly. You sound like 

Ewan McGregor! And you know how Lucas liked that don't you?"

  
  


MOLLY: "Oh, shut up! Where's Lucas anyway? *looks around mockingly, while 

still holding her own in the pen duel* Do you see him anywhere? I don't think 

so!"

  
  


Molly seems to gain the upper hand for a moment, drawing on her anger towards 

the well-known author of Q Menace for writing romantic scenes in her fic. 

Kathryn blocks Molly's slashes aimed at her head, and DUCKS just in time to 

avoid a "fatal" blow (pun courtesy of YORL).

  
  


KATHRYN: "Now remind me… Why are we fighting with pen lightsabers again?"

  
  


MOLLY: "You destroyed all my hopes, my aspirations for the future! You ruined 

Obi-Wan!!!!! Sullied his good name!"

  
  


KATHRYN: "What is your deal?!? I thought we were good friends ?"

  
  


MOLLY: "Don't know everything do we? You ruined TPM for me, you're writing a 

fanfic where MY Obi falls in love! How….how….ROMANTIC!! I hate it!"

  
  


KATHRYN: *with big grin on her face* "Actually, I'm planning a whole series of 

  
  
  
  


Kathryn Jinn stories….sorry to interrupt you there!"

  
  


Kathryn Jinn, who looks suspiciously like Kathryn Burns (now there's a wonder! 

M.W.) jumps into the fray from Q Menace. 

  
  


KATHRYN JINN: "What, you're planning to put me through MORE!!! As if I haven't 

  
  
  
  


been put through the ringer enough already! Gods, I can't believe you!"

  
  


MOLLY: "Oh, who asked you? Miss-smoochy-oh-how-I-love-Obi-Wan-sooooo-much!" 

Makes me wanna puke!"

  
  


By now, the lightsaber fight has stopped. Kathryn Jinn stalks off in total 

disgust at how she's being treated by her own creator.

  
  


MOLLY (continuing her earlier tirade): "You know what really bugs me about Q 

Menace? The whole Obi-Wan in love with someone angle you've got going on! I 

mean, you don't even like him… you're too obsessed with Qui-Gon (oops, did I 

just say that? M.W.).

  
  


KATHRYN: *singing slightly off key* "Well, it's my story, and I'll smooch if I 

  
  
  
  


want to, smooch if I want to…..You would smooch too if it was you fic, too!"

  
  


MOLLY: * in total disgust* "Ick!!!! I would NOT have that in MY fic ("Endless 

  
  
  
  


Night, Dawning Day"-shameless plug here) and I DON'T!"

  
  


Obi-Wan Kenobi stumbles into the scene, seeming to be searching for something. 

He doesn't notice the 2 Chicks standing nearby, who suddenly stopped their 

heated discussion.

  
  


KATHRYN: *sighs* "He's sooooooo much more handsome in person!" She falls to 

her knees (inside joke there!) overwhelmed by the handsome Jedi's presence.

  
  


MOLLY: *rolls her eyes and makes a disgusted noise, although she is secretly 

hyperventilating at the sight of the hunkiest man alive-in her opinion* "Oh 

please! Spare me your romantic platitudes!" (her voice sounds eerily like the 

omnipotent being found in Kathryn's fic)

  
  


Obi-Wan, having since noticed the 2 girls, walks over in their direction. He 

helps Kathryn to her feet, eliciting another sigh. He looks puzzled.

  
  


OBI-WAN: "Excuse me ladies, but I seem to be missing my boots. I was wondering 

  
  
  
  


if you've seen a spare pair lying around? My feet really hurt," he says rather 

apologetically. "Masta Qui-Gon says…."(Kathryn swoons and faints at hearing the 

  
  
  
  


phrase she's keeper of spoken out loud) "What's wrong?!?"

  
  


MOLLY: "Don't ask me, I thought she was ga ga over Qui-Gon"

  
  


Molly reaches out of the story and into Sharon's "Duel of the Boots," doubtless 

startling a few crazed Chicks. She grabs Obi-Wan's boots (currently attached to 

  
  
  
  


their owner, Sharon) and pulls her into Molly and Kathryn's story. She uses her 

  
  
  
  


double-bladed pen to hack through the handcuffs holding the boots to Sharon, and 

  
  
  
  


before Sharon can utter a "What the Duck?!?", Molly thrusts her back into her 

story (minus boots). Molly uses the boots to first whack Kathryn a few times, 

waking her up in the process.

  
  


MOLLY: *mumbling to herself* "At last I will have my revenge, at last….oops 

wrong side!" Out loud she says, "Ha, take that! This is for all the romantic 

scenes I had to endure while reading Q Menace for you! Ha!!!!!"

  
  


Molly, a crazed look in her eye from the power trip she's on, clutches the boots 

  
  
  
  


to her. She watched Kathryn rise from the floor, once more with Obi-Wan's 

help.

  
  


KATHRYN: *shakes her head, as if to clear it* To Obi-Wan, she says, " I'll 

get those boots back for you, just let me borrow your lightsaber for a moment. 

I seem to have misplaced my blue Obi-Wan lightsaber pen."

  
  


MOLLY: "And just which lightsaber might THAT be, Kathryn?"

  
  


KATHRYN: "What do you mean? I don't get…..Oh my! You don't mean THAT, do 

you?"

  
  


Molly just raises her eyebrow suggestively at her question.

  
  


KATHRYN: "Now see here, I may have romance in Q Menace, but really Molly, 

didn't you read the author's note at the end of Part 19? I don't have any 

gratuitous sex or cursing in my story. It's clean-cut, wholesome, pure, 

innocent, uncorrupted, family oriented strictly PG stuff!"

  
  


Obi-Wan is wearing a VERY confused look on his face at this point (but let's 

face it, wouldn't you be feeling a bit confused too if you were in his shoes, 

errrr boots?)

  
  


MOLLY: "Well, then what about that scene at the end of your story where Kathryn 

  
  
  
  


and Obi-Wan are in Kathryn's quarters alone and…..oops, I guess I shouldn't give 

  
  
  
  


that away, huh?" she says in a mocking tone of voice.

  
  


Kathryn slams Molly into the nearest wall.

  
  


KATHRYN: "You female offspring of a dog, piece of scum you!"

  
  


Kathryn stops a moment, still tightly clutching Molly's throat and seems to 

realize something.

  
  


KATHRYN (cont.): "See, even my cursing is pure and uncorrupted," she proclaims 

proudly.

  
  


Obi-Wan steps in between the 2 dueling authors and tries to negotiate a peace 

settlement between them.

  
  


OBI-WAN: "Ladies, please…."

  
  


MOLLY & KATHRYN: "SHUT UP!" they said in unison.

  
  


SHARON: *Yelling from "Duel of the Boots* "Hey, I want my (bleeping) boots 

back! I own those boots and you (bleeps) have no right to just take them to use 

  
  
  
  


them in this (bleeping) story! Molly throws back the boots into the story where 

she got them. 

  
  


MOLLY: *mumbles* "Fat lot of good THEY did me!"

  
  


Obi-Wan dives for the boots in a vain attempt to reclaim them before they 

re-enter Sharon's realm once more. He fails, and instead falls hard in his 

stomach. Darth Diebin rushes in from somewhere and falls to her knees in front 

of Kathryn.

  
  


DARTH DIEBIN: *in a reverential tone* "Oh great author of "The Q Menace! May 

  
  
  
  


I please, PLEASE touch your Jedi? Let me kiss his naked feet at least!"

  
  


Obi-Wan, by now having recovered from his fall, looked at Diebin in shock.

  
  


OBI-WAN: "What kind of pathetic Sith form is this?

  
  


DARTH DIEBIN: *shocked look on face* "I may be a Sith, but at least I've never 

  
  
  
  


tortured you, stolen your boots, made you shoot your Master OR poisoned you! (a 

  
  
  
  


voice from off-story cries, " I HEARD that Diebin-and you can just stuff it!") 

All I have done is love you, and what do you do to me in return--mock me, and 

say this hurtful thing? 

  
  


Obi-Wan looks "Amazed" at Diebin's rant, and tries to defend himself. "Look, I 

just thought that being a Sith was a guy thing, and…." Before he can continue, 

a furious Diebin interrupts.

  
  


DARTH DIEBIN: "You did NOT just say that. I can't believe my ears!!!! A GUY 

thing, you think this is a GUY thing!!!! Look, I can only take so much. Am I 

going to have to go all Sharon on you? Is that what it's going to take to get 

through your male chauvinism? Well, Obi wants, Obi gets!!"

  
  


Darth Diebin rushes off to her computer to write a really long, gory Obi torture 

  
  
  
  


fic, which when finished, will make "Shards of Darkness" look like a teaparty 

with Mickey Mouse and pals. Just then, Q pops in (as is his fashion).

  
  


Q: "Looks like you messed up with the girls again, eh, Braid-boy?"

  
  


Q turns to Kathryn, and says, " My dear, I was truly flattered when I heard you 

were using my omnipotent, all knowing, wise, perfect, irresistible, glorious, 

charming, adorable, Qute self in your fanfic. So to say thanks, I brought you a 

  
  
  
  


little token of my appreciation." 

  
  


A flash of light brings Qui-Gon Jinn, Jedi Master, who looks a little bewildered 

  
  
  
  


upon appearing. Kathryn swoons and faints (yet again! M.W.) when she sees 

him.

  
  


MOLLY: *mutters* "Oh, brother!"

  
  


Jason Wells, younger brother of Molly, suddenly comes running in, all out of 

breath. He's looking all around, and appears flushed.

  
  


JASON: "Have you seen Queen Amidala come through here? She may be disguised as 

  
  
  
  


Padme. I wanted to audition for the role of Anakin in the upcoming Episode 

2-you know, the one that might have a love triangle in it. I just 

loooooooooooove Queen Amidala! I'd do anything to get near her! She's 

soooooooooooo fine!"

MOLLY: "Jason, you're only 13, ya know! I think you're just a tad too young."

  
  


JASON: "Yeah, well look at Jake Lloyd!"

  
  


Jason runs off in pursuit of the Queen, and another person enters the scene. 

She is Lauren Burns. Kathryn wakes up just about now, and groggily asks her 

sister, "Why are YOU in this story? Aren't you supposed to be doing your 

homework? And where's Qui-Gon?" She looks around and spots the Jedi Master. 

He waves at Kathryn, and flashes her a smile.

  
  


LAUREN: "Kathryn, have you seen Jason Wells come through here? He's as hot as 

my guy from N*Stink, Justin Tendercakes! Oh, he's soooooooooo fine! But alas, 

  
  
  
  


he loves the Queen! I must find him. Help me Kathryn Burns, you're the only 

Hope! Well, besides our sister Hope anyway!"

  
  


Everyone gathered points in the direction Jason went off in, and without even 

saying "Thank You," Lauren is off.

  
  


Q: "Talk about a love triangle!"

  
  


Q promptly disappeared in a bright flash of light, but not before taking 

Kathryn's hand and kissing it. Alas, along with him goes Qui-Gon. Suddenly, a 

  
  
  
  


male voice can be heard singing from somewhere.

  
  


"….upside, inside out! She's livin' la vida loca! She'll push and pull……" 

Molly's head jerks up at the soulful, sexy voice she hears.

  
  


MOLLY: "Ricky! It's RICKY!!!!! I just loooooooooove Ricky!!!!! Where is he? 

  
  
  
  


Oh, Ricky?! Rickyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! Ricky, Ricky, Ricky, Ricky…….."

  
  


Molly runs around, calling out "Ricky!," and trying to locate the source of the 

sound. Everyone else stops what they're doing to stare at the love-crazed 

Molly. She comes across Obi-Wan, standing next to a tape player, which is 

blaring out "Lovin' la Vida Loca." She stops the tape and listens, realizing 

that the tape WAS the source of the voice. Molly looks back at Obi-Wan, 

practically shooting daggers at him. He starts grinning nervously and shrugs 

his shoulders. 

  
  


OBI-WAN: "I was just wondering what it was….he, he"

  
  


Molly grabs Yoda's gimer stick (apologies to Jessica, who's keeper of it. We'll 

  
  
  
  


give it back unharmed!!! Promise! Also, no little green guys were harmed in the 

  
  
  
  


making of this story) and begins beating Obi-Wan with it unmercifully. The Dark 

Side is looking pretty good to Molly at this point, but she's a good Chick, so 

she must resist!! 

  
  


MOLLY: *to the authors, in a whiny tone* "But I'm having so much fun!!!"

  
  


Kathryn turns to the imaginary Chick Council for guidance. The Chick Council 

consists of 3 members, results of misunderstandings between the authors when 

they when they were talking about their stories to each other (inside joke for 

the authors): Master It, Master Windy and Master P. 

  
  


KATHRYN: "Help me, Masters! Molly is being tempted by the Dark Side. I can't 

lose my friend, she's got a story to finish! It's gonna be real good, too. I 

want mores!"

  
  


Master It, sitting in his comfy beanbag chair, asks, "Fearful for Molly, 

hmmmmm? Hmmmm, hmmmmm, hmmmm, hmmmmm….." Master Windy seems oblivious to

the 

whole thing, and is whistling to himself. Master P has his headphones on, 

blaring some rap crap or another at a rather high volume. He smiled at the 

group, flashing his solid gold teeth at them all, nearly blinding them.

  
  


KATHRYN: "Masters? Are you listening to me?"

Molly stops beating Obi-Wan, who looks relieved to still be conscious and have 

no broken bones.

  
  


MOLLY: "Kathryn, who are you talking too?"

  
  


KATHRYN: "The Chick Council, can't you see them. I'm concerned for you, and so 

  
  
  
  


I've consulting the wise Masters It, Windy, and P!" she said in earnest.

  
  


MOLLY: "Are you serious? I don't see anybody?"

  
  


KATHRYN: "Even if I was, you're not beating Obi-Wan anymore, are you? 

  
  


They all turn around when they hear the sound of a piece of wood breaking. They 

  
  
  
  


looked shocked---Obi-Wan has broken Yoda's gimer stick that belongs to Jessica. 

  
  
  
  


Kathryn turns to the imaginary Chick Council and whispers, "Thanks for your 

help, I've gotta go now! Bye!!" Jessica comes in and begins to beat up Obi-Wan 

  
  
  
  


with her bare hands.

  
  


JESSICA: "You little so-and-so, I thought you were a good guy!"

  
  


Molly and Kathryn join into the fray, beating up Obi-Wan with a frenzied look in 

  
  
  
  


their eyes. From somewhere in the mass of people shouts a voice. 

  
  


OBI-WAN: "Please, please, stop!! I'll fix the stick, I'll fix the stick! 

Good as new, really!!"

  
  


All movement ceases, and slowly everyone stands up, except Obi-Wan, who sinks 

slowly to the ground. In his hands, he clutches the broken pieces of the stick. 

  
  
  
  


He concentrates hard and the stick appears to mend itself in front of their 

eyes. Obi-Wan then hands the newly fixed stick back to a grateful Jessica, who 

glares at Obi-Wan.

  
  


JESSICA: "I hope that if the rumors of clone Obi-Wan's in Episode 2 is true, 

they're more well behaved then you!" 

  
  


She stalks out of the story, leaving only Kathryn, Molly, and Obi-Wan himself.

  
  


Kathryn turns to Molly.

  
  


KATHRYN: "Well, Molly, I hate to be a party pooper here, but I've really got to 

  
  
  
  


work on finishing "Q Menace"."

  
  


MOLLY: "Ah, well, I'd better get cracking on "Endless Night, Dawning Day" now 

that you mention it."

  
  


They both turn to stare at Obi-Wan, who looks confused.

  
  


OBI-WAN: "What, I don't have a story to write, I'm a fictional character! They 

  
  
  
  


don't write stories, they're IN them!"

  
  


KATHRYN: "Well, how about coming with me to give me inspiration for the really 

mushy ending of my story that I've got planned?"

  
  


MOLLY: *in a suggestive voice* "What's he gonna do, help you act it out in 

graphic detail?"

  
  


Although Kathryn silently wishes that she could actually compromise her 

standards like that at least for a few moments, she shouts, "PG! PG!"

  
  


MOLLY: "C'mon, Obi, you can come with me, and help me out with MY story-it's 

all about you! Aren't you flattered?"

  
  


Obi-Wan flees the story in terror for his very life (he's making pretty good 

time for someone with no boots on! M.W.)

  
  


KATHRYN: "Well, Molly, I guess I'll see you the next time our warped little 

minds come up with something like this again! Or if we get enough positive 

feedback! By the way, who's idea what this, again?"

  
  


MOLLY: "I think it was yours."

  
  


KATHRYN: "Noooo, Molly, I believe that distinction goes to you, my friend!"

  
  


MOLLY: "No really, I think it was you!"

  
  


KATHRYN: "No, you!!"

  
  


MOLLY: "You!"

  
  


THE END!

  
  
  
  
  
  


End of Story Author's Note: All Chick who send us good reviews will receive an 

Obi-Wan clone number! See, we found ourselves in the possession of a couple 

hundred Obi clones and have to get them off our hands. Kathryn has OB-I, and 

Molly had OB-2, but there are plenty more! When you get your OB clone number, 

it will be followed by an M or a K, signifying which author sent it. We're 

serious-really. Just PLEASE send the good reviews our way. After you receive 

your clone, you may do as you please with it. Thanks for your time!!!!!

Kathryn and Molly.

  
  


Additional Author's Note: Kathryn and Molly are NOT insane, and Kathryn does 

NOT talk to imaginary Jedi Masters! This was litrerally a phone fic, I (Molly) 

typed, while we both helped compose it. Basically every sentence was written 

while we were on the phone!! He he! Furthermore, we'd like to assure you that 

no Jedi, Sith, or any other life forms were harmed in the writing of this fic. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Molly Wells

Lover of all things Obi-Wan 

Keeper of Qui-Gon's wisdom

  
  
  
  
  
  


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